Clueless

I have no idea what’s going on. Nothing makes sense anymore. And I’m done trying to figure it out.

I’m always so obsessed with sorting things, solving puzzles, finding the link that binds all life force. Everything happens for a reason, and I drive myself nuts trying to find that reason. I get depressed when I can’t find the bond, can’t follow the clues, can’t see the purpose for some mundanity in my life.

And when I’m depressed, things are baaaad. I lose focus, I rip letters, I can’t work, I delete things, I have sugar binge… and I get fat.

For a while I thought I should just let go. Stop thinking. Quit solving. Follow some advice and surprise myself. But I don’t know how. And a part of me is afraid to. It’s afraid if I let that go, I’ll lose a part of myself, I’ll kill the perfect jigsaw.

I’m rare. And that’s not always good. I’m scared that if I shed a part of me, even just the bad part, I won’t be me anymore. I’ll be one step closer to ‘everybody else’, one inch closer to ‘normal’. And in my world, normal is just not cool.

But I can’t go on like this. I can’t get lost in the hole of my mind. I have to fight it. I have to stay still. At least, I have to try.

Something inside me done broke into a million different pieces. It shattered and spread over 5 square miles. My eyes are intact, and I still adore glasses. So I could probably find the pieces and put them back together if I wanted to…but I don’t. Not this time.

I want to keep the bits I have, the bits I need. I want to grind them into dust, and twist the dust into string, and weave the string into wings, and fly away. I don’t know where I want to fly, but it’s away. Far away. But I can’t. I have people that need me, things that need doing, a life that needs living.

People are funny. They never react quite the way you expect them to. The ones you want to listen, don’t. The ones who shouldn’t hear, do. Those who should understand, can’t. The ones you want don’t want you, and the ones that do want you, well, they’re just plain weird.

I changed today. I’m not sure how or why. I was losing myself, sinking, falling into that familiar darkness. I saw the downs sneaking up on me, with a cloud and a big stick. I wanted to fight, but I didn’t have the will. I wanted to run but I didn’t have the strength. I wanted to think, but I didn’t have the…I wanted to be alone. To crawl into a hole and just stay there. But my Princess only wanted to play.

So I curled up in a corner and cried. And she held my hands and played. She brushed my hair, taped my arms, helped me with the dishes. Then she stretched out beside me and fell asleep.

I’m letting go of my past. It has no hold on me. It’s dead and buried, burnt to ash, cremated and katrina’d. It’s done haunting me.

I want to live in the present, from moment to moment, savouring each one like it’s my last. I want to walk from step to step, never looking back. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Each morning, each day, each instant rewriting my fate, each breath reshaping my destiny.

The past is not my crutch, or anyone elses. All that matters is what we do here, how we use now. I will not talk of what was, or cry for what could be. I will try not to mourn for what will be. I will try to live here, now, to make it count.

I know I can’t change my mind. I’ll always be looking for signs, reading symbols, seeing truths where there are none. But I will try. So help me, I will try.

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